In the beginning

 I had a dreadful revelation recently. If the story of my life was made into a film, I always imagined that I would be the leading ladies jolly, overweight and loyal chum. And then I realised that this is not the case. I would be the unpleasant villain, the annoying noisy neighbour who is murdered early on in an episode of Midsummer Murders. In short, the character people do not like- not plucky, not funny, still overweight

And mean . 

How did this become my life. I can provide a perfectly reasonable rationale- Mother dead ages 48 from breast cancer, when I am aged 8. Fathers sudden decline into serious mental illness, meaning I left his care aged 15. 

I was very angry. With everyone.

And I have never come to terms with this story, my story

I am 57 now and retired at 53 due to my own mental

health issues . I am married to a man with limitless patience, who does his best to love me when I am

not loveable. Or likeable. I have health anxiety. I am fixated on health and with the certain knowledge that 8 will die young. At 57 this is no longer a possibility as I am already middle aged. 

I have two adult children who I love but with whom I have complicated relationships 

And my husband has been diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer. 

My friends, and my some miracle I do have some, are a great bunch who tell me that I am kind, and clever and other nice things,

but anxiety has so distorted my world that I don’t recognise myself in that description.

This blog is a personal record of this season in my life. An attempt to balance the elements of life that I struggle with, and find some joy.

With my husband

My kids

My cat